doofenstrudel | 04 - Various Flavors of Awful

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04 - Various Flavors of Awful

[Action A - Friday the 19th - 457 Stone Street, morning]

[Doofenshmirtz bolts out of bed with such force that the blankets are thrown to the side of the room. Gasping, flailing, he pats himself down to assure himself that he's fine. Head, shoulders, knees, toes, guts, all of them are actually in place... but he's not quite ready to be relieved yet.]

...I'm alive.

[Still in his pyjamas, staring blankly ahead and trying to process the previous day's trauma, he makes his way down into the kitchen. He's hungry. He's thirsty. Unfortunately, someone had apparently already brought the milk in, setting it on the kitchen counter. Convenient! In his semi-drowsy post-ressurection daze, he pours himself a big glass and downs it.]

I'm alive. Alive! ALIVE, I TELL YOU! Ahahahahah!

[Looks like the guy got the hormone free milk.]

[Action B - Same Day - 457 Stone Street, outside, day]

[The garage at 457 Stone Street is wide-open, and there's a horrible ruckus coming from inside it. Objects are being tossed out into the driveway with gusto, and then are retrieved minutes later by a dirty, raving Doofenshmirtz. Sometimes there is hammering. Sometimes the crackle of welding. Occasionally, there's the KER-ZAP of electricity.]

Come on! DO SOMETHING! Arc! Spin up! Work! WORK! WHY AREN'T YOU WORKING!??!

[He's hitting a crudely-constructed metal box with a wrench, over and over and over again.]

[Action C - Same Day - Phone]

I... I am hopeless. Hopeless!

[He sobs into the receiver]

It doesn't work! I've... I've lost my touch! I can construct frames, shells, yes, and wiring really is only wiring and switches are so simple but... but what good is a big red button that does nothing when you press it?!

[A pause, while he blows his nose noisily.]

They took it away from me! My genius! THEY ROBBED ME OF MY GENIUS!!! How am I going to build a Curdleinator and save us all from this horrible place without my genius?!?! THOSE BASTARDS! I WILL MAKE THEM PAY!!!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ Oh god it's this guy again.

She'll just be calmly sipping her tea before beginning. ]

You can't lose what you never had.

...YOU!

[Such a distinct voice on this one. Recognition is immediate, and it's only fueling his milky rage.]

You are now on the top of my list! THE VERY TOP! I will construct a Baldinator that will remove every bit of hair from your stupid head, and THEN lash you to a lamppost hiiiiiigh in the town square so that everyone may mock you!

Evil science will find a way!!!!

[ GUESS WHO HAS 10 NAILS AND DOESN'T GIVE A DAMN?

This Homunculus. ]

If my hair falls out, then that'll be just one more thing I can cover with by blaming Mayfield. I had to cut it off once before. [ She has Juri Han with everything in her spirits omg. ] Also, you would find it quite difficult to get me on the lamppost and have me willingly stay there.

Evil science always finds its own way, but somehow you manage to fail at both.

Did I say I wanted the credit? Did I?! I simply want for you to suffer and be shamed!

[Insults don't seem to be sinking in. His words are coming a mile a minute and at high decibels, and he's just short of breathing heavily into the phone.]

It is too late! The gauntlet has been thrown down and my plans have already begun to form!!! You will rue the day that you doubted the intellectual might of Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz!!!

Suffer? I'd be mildly irritated at having no hair before I decide to invest in a wig. Shamed? Not in the slightest. I highly doubt you'll find the materials needed to even make a dent into my locks.

[ She remains as cold as ever, to the point where it seems nearly robotic if it wasn't for that sultry tone. ]

Ah, but, intellectual mighty Doofensmirtz, to doubt requires conflicted emotions. I don't believe in your supposed intellectual talents, or science talents or evil genius one bit. But surely a genius like you would know this, right?

HA! That will only be stage one of my vengeance! But that will just have to be a surprise, yes? Yes?!

[He's gone full-bore outta-his-gourd mad scientist, now.]

Your doubt is founded in ignorance! The people of this town are ignorant. IGNORANT! It is this IGNORANCE that we geniuses struggle with, but no matter! No matter at all! SOON I WILL SHOW YOU ALL THE ERROR OF YOUR WAYS!!!

[He is gasping for breath, now. This much ranting is hard on the lungs.]

You don't even know where I live or my occupation in the town. My so called "surprise" would have to be found when you're able to sift through official city records. [ beat ] But I don't think you'll have the ability to look at official documents without being perplexed.

As I said, doubt implies the fact that I am uncertain of your abilities. I am quite certain, and I'm quite certain that you're incompetent. I've met geniuses and prodigies multiple times, and I can say you're nothing like them [ beat ] Well, that's not true. I suppose you'll be forever lonely with these prodigal skills, much like all of the other geniuses I met.

[ remains composed as a cucumber ]

Edited 2011-08-22 05:34 (UTC)

[Ouch. Ouch. Those are some very cutting remarks. The level of his rage has reached and passed the point where he can form intelligent words.]

IF I COULD REACH THROUGH THE PHONE AND KILL YOU NOW, I WOULD!!!

[There's an itty bitty portion of him, far beneath the red haze, that is shocked that he'd declare something as over the top as that. Kill? What? But there it is.]

AAAKKPPFBHH-GRAAAAAH!!!

[And the line goes dead. He pulled the phone from the wall, in his incoherent anger.]

[ (troll)

she is so proud of herself today.

she's going to skip drinking the milk and force edward to drink it to celebrate. ]

[ they often say that curiosity kills the cat, but Seychelles can't help peering over her not-father's shoulder as he works anyway. ]

Uhm … what exactly is it supposed to do?

DWAH!!!

[Up until now, he had only seen this not-daughter of his in pictures. His shock is so grand that he loses his grip on the wrench, flinging it into a nearby shelf and knocking over a box of screws and several other clattery things.]

Who're...?! Where have you been! I had been wondering if you had been hit by a BUS or gutted by some crazed drone lady or, or...

[He grabs her by the shoulders, shakes her once, catches himself in the madness, then lightly shoves her away and turns back to his box-of-not-working.]

It is a Curdleinator! Isn't it obvious?! Once I have finished it, it will curdle every drop of milk within this town's limits!!!

[It's dented. And it has what appears to be the kitchen's eggbeater sticking out of one end.]

It takes more than a bus or a drone to off a nation, y'know! Not that I would ever want to be hit by a bus or attacked by one of the drones, of course, but you know what I mean. Were you really worried?

Eh? Obvious? Not really. I've never even heard of a Curdleinator until now. [ so that's where the eggbeater went. she begins to poke at the device, which is probably not one of her brighter ideas. ]

You're one of those country people, too!?

[He suddenly bursts out laughing, and can't seem to make himself stop. He's banging on the table where his invention is sitting, and every so often the jostling seems to make something inside crackle.]

Ahahah, what a coincidence, I am working with Lithuania at the bakery! Hah! It is like, it is like an... hahah, old joke about in heaven, they have the English do the...

[No! She's touching it!]

DO NOT PUT YOUR HANDS ON IT!!!

[Nothing happens when she fiddles with it, other than more of those crackly noises... but Heinz is quick to dip in, grab her, and pull her away from it. And then to hug her tight and burst out crying.]

I-I do not know what I would do if I were to lose a daughter! You remind me... [sniffle] ...with your hair, you remind me of my own little Vanessa.... WAAAAAAAH!!!

That's right! I'm Seychelles.

Oh, that old joke? [ she raises an eyebrow at the cackling. why can she never have a normal family? why? ] The part about England is true. You're probably safer drinking the milk than eating his cooking, yup.

I-I'm sorry! I just wanted to see it in action. I didn't realize it was actually dangerous.

Well it is! Hasn't anyone told you not to go poking around with delicate scientific equipment?!

[His mood gives another swing and he releases her from that hug. He seems winded and confused, and needs to catch his breath from all the outbursting.]

It will not work. It will not work! I have done all of the things that I do, normally, and it will not work!!!

Not necessarily.

I didn't break anything, did I? In the past, I used to be good at building things, but I dunno if I'd be of any use for something like this.

Good at building things?!

[He latches onto that little bit of knowledge immediately, clasping his hands together with unbridled glee.]

What kind of things? What is your specialty? Would you like to help your new father with his projects?!

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I am giggling so hard rn oh my god I adore your Doof.

Danke! I am to please! And possibly to confuse.

YOU DO A BEAUTIFUL JOB AT BOTH OF THESE THINGS.

I almost made an extra-angry icon for Doof, but ran out of space. He needs it now.

poor doof... he doesn't know what true evil is.

Is that icon doing what I think it's doing? :D

it is it is

Action [B]

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