doofenstrudel | 04 - Various Flavors of Awful

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04 - Various Flavors of Awful

[Action A - Friday the 19th - 457 Stone Street, morning]

[Doofenshmirtz bolts out of bed with such force that the blankets are thrown to the side of the room. Gasping, flailing, he pats himself down to assure himself that he's fine. Head, shoulders, knees, toes, guts, all of them are actually in place... but he's not quite ready to be relieved yet.]

...I'm alive.

[Still in his pyjamas, staring blankly ahead and trying to process the previous day's trauma, he makes his way down into the kitchen. He's hungry. He's thirsty. Unfortunately, someone had apparently already brought the milk in, setting it on the kitchen counter. Convenient! In his semi-drowsy post-ressurection daze, he pours himself a big glass and downs it.]

I'm alive. Alive! ALIVE, I TELL YOU! Ahahahahah!

[Looks like the guy got the hormone free milk.]

[Action B - Same Day - 457 Stone Street, outside, day]

[The garage at 457 Stone Street is wide-open, and there's a horrible ruckus coming from inside it. Objects are being tossed out into the driveway with gusto, and then are retrieved minutes later by a dirty, raving Doofenshmirtz. Sometimes there is hammering. Sometimes the crackle of welding. Occasionally, there's the KER-ZAP of electricity.]

Come on! DO SOMETHING! Arc! Spin up! Work! WORK! WHY AREN'T YOU WORKING!??!

[He's hitting a crudely-constructed metal box with a wrench, over and over and over again.]

[Action C - Same Day - Phone]

I... I am hopeless. Hopeless!

[He sobs into the receiver]

It doesn't work! I've... I've lost my touch! I can construct frames, shells, yes, and wiring really is only wiring and switches are so simple but... but what good is a big red button that does nothing when you press it?!

[A pause, while he blows his nose noisily.]

They took it away from me! My genius! THEY ROBBED ME OF MY GENIUS!!! How am I going to build a Curdleinator and save us all from this horrible place without my genius?!?! THOSE BASTARDS! I WILL MAKE THEM PAY!!!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

It takes more than a bus or a drone to off a nation, y'know! Not that I would ever want to be hit by a bus or attacked by one of the drones, of course, but you know what I mean. Were you really worried?

Eh? Obvious? Not really. I've never even heard of a Curdleinator until now. [ so that's where the eggbeater went. she begins to poke at the device, which is probably not one of her brighter ideas. ]

You're one of those country people, too!?

[He suddenly bursts out laughing, and can't seem to make himself stop. He's banging on the table where his invention is sitting, and every so often the jostling seems to make something inside crackle.]

Ahahah, what a coincidence, I am working with Lithuania at the bakery! Hah! It is like, it is like an... hahah, old joke about in heaven, they have the English do the...

[No! She's touching it!]

DO NOT PUT YOUR HANDS ON IT!!!

[Nothing happens when she fiddles with it, other than more of those crackly noises... but Heinz is quick to dip in, grab her, and pull her away from it. And then to hug her tight and burst out crying.]

I-I do not know what I would do if I were to lose a daughter! You remind me... [sniffle] ...with your hair, you remind me of my own little Vanessa.... WAAAAAAAH!!!

That's right! I'm Seychelles.

Oh, that old joke? [ she raises an eyebrow at the cackling. why can she never have a normal family? why? ] The part about England is true. You're probably safer drinking the milk than eating his cooking, yup.

I-I'm sorry! I just wanted to see it in action. I didn't realize it was actually dangerous.

Well it is! Hasn't anyone told you not to go poking around with delicate scientific equipment?!

[His mood gives another swing and he releases her from that hug. He seems winded and confused, and needs to catch his breath from all the outbursting.]

It will not work. It will not work! I have done all of the things that I do, normally, and it will not work!!!

Not necessarily.

I didn't break anything, did I? In the past, I used to be good at building things, but I dunno if I'd be of any use for something like this.

Good at building things?!

[He latches onto that little bit of knowledge immediately, clasping his hands together with unbridled glee.]

What kind of things? What is your specialty? Would you like to help your new father with his projects?!

Uhm … y'know, like buildings! I'm especially good at building resorts. My house is full of 'em.

What sort of projects did you have in mind?

...you're a carpenter. Or an architect.

[His face falls, and it appears that he may just start wailing. Tears are already streaming down his cheeks. But no! He slaps himself in the face and whirls around and starts to rant and rave.]

This is good! This is useful! For I could certainly use some construction around this place!

[And bam, back around again.]

Tell me, tell me! Does the town get upset if you try to add on to your house? Can it be done? Can it?

You could say that.

[ they're obviously tears of joy, right?

she brightens a little at his words because it's nice to be appreciated for a change ]

You know, that's actually a very good question. I wouldn't know because I've never tried … I've been too busy worrying about how I'm gonna get back to my real house.

I will ask! I will ask! I will find out just what sort of renovations we can do, and we will renovate this house's tiles clear off!

[He's bursting with joy! Glowing with excitement!]

Good idea. The milk is awful enough as it is; I don't wanna know what would happen if we started actually modifying the town in a way the locals didn't like. If they give us the okay though, I'd be happy to help! The houses here are so boring!

We could add another level to the house! Or two! Or three!!!

[The excitement seems to be overwhelming him. He's shaking, and he puts a hand over his heart, trying to calm himself down somewhat.]

This is terrifying. Terrifying! The things this town does to you! I have been going at this pace all day and I can't seem to help it!

...four levels! WITH LASER CANONS MOUNTED ON THE ROOF!!!

Three stories? Or even four? That's almost a mansion. What on earth would we do with all those rooms? Not that living in a mansion would be bad, of course.

Better yet, what on earth would we do with a laser canon? I'm pretty sure the town wouldn't like us having that.

What would we do? What would we do?!

[He gestures wildly at the air.]

I need space to construct the devices that we need to escape from this town! Lots of space! And since we can't build outwards, we must build upwards!!!

[Then, pouting.]

They're LASER CANNONS! ((With two ns, not one! Derp.)) What WOULDN'T we do with them!?

...that would get us in an awful lot of trouble, yes, but... LASER CANNONS!!!

So all of that is gonna be your laboratory? You might want to disguise it somehow so that no one figures out what you're up to. I don't even wanna think of what would happen to us if the town found out about your plans to escape if they turn out to be successful.

Th-then don't mount them on the roof where everyone can see them!

....disguise it.

[He bursts into tears, and collapses onto a nearby stool, burying his head in his hands.]

Of course! Of course! How could I be so foolish as to think no one would notice?! No one notices in Danville, but I have permits, I...

This is why I always fail!!!

[Sobbing. Such sobbing.]

Well, yeah! Aren't they usually secret laboratories in the movies?

I guess it's good that you have permits, though. I mean, imagine how dangerous the world would be if just anyone was allowed to own a laser cannon! It's already terrible enough without crazy things like that.

Real life is not like the movies! I have a proper corporate headquarters in the downtown area, and deploy all of my schemes from there!

[He snapped angrily, but was quickly back to sniffling and self-pity.]

I had thought that the world was terrible and unfair. And then I came here! It's all... closing in around me! Everything is different! Everyone is different! I.. I don't even have my nemesis any longer!

[He rifles around in his pockets for a handkerchief, finds it, and blows his nose.]

...secret. We...

[There's obvious effort being made to think rationally through the mood-swing haze.]

...we can build down? We can dig. They would not see... [sniffle]

I know, I know, but they obviously got the idea from somewhere, right?

Mayfield is definitely something else. I thought the world was a rather scary place myself until I came here. Now it seems almost tame compared to some of these guys. I'm sure it won't be hard to find a new nemesis, though, especially with the authorities that are always on our tail for every little thing …

… down? Hey, that's a great idea! They'd have to do a lot of snooping to find it.

A new nemesis?

[The idea is devastating. His face falls, and tears are once again welling in his eyes.]

I don't want a new nemesis! No one could foil me like Perry the Platypus could! Anything this town could provide me with would be a, an inferior substitute!

[He rings his hands. He tries to keep his breathing under control.]

A great... yes! It is an excellent idea! We shall DIG!!!

[ Seychelles feels like the worst not-daughter right now because of all these tears.

The worst. ]

What? Don't you want to be successful? [ raises an eyebrow ]

They'll never know the difference.

[Poor Seychelles. It's not her fault that her horrible not-father is trippin' on tainted lactose.]

YES, of COURSE I want to be successful! It's... just that... it's complicated.

[This was the longest he had gone without Perry bursting into his home and disrupting his life. He still expected him to show up, all beady platypus glare and fedora. Life was wrong with that constant gone.]

Focus, focus, no Perry, no Perry... DIGGING. We dig! We must!

...where are we going to put all the DIRT?!

[ Stupid Mayfield and your stupid milk and your stupid … stupid. ]

I've got it! You're homesick too, aren't you? [ because that was the only way missing one's nemesis of all people makes sense. ]

I didn't even think about that. It would kind of be a giveaway if there was suddenly a mysterious mound of dirt in front of our house, huh? Maybe you can invent something to get rid of the dirt!

Yes. Yes. That is it! Homesick! HOMESICK! I am simply homesick!

[He giggle. It sounds rather hysterical.]

I can't invent things right now! They don't work! There... there are ways of doing this. Non-invention ways! I am sure, I am sure that... alright. Think this through. We must... re-purpose the dirt! We could enrich it as fertilizer? Volunteer park landscaping? Throw it all out with everyone's trash?!

Oooh, if we were to bag it all up, and sneak ONE bag in with EVERYONE'S trash, that spreads it out...

[ Seychelles is not sure if the giggling is better or worse than the crying. Perhaps it's just best to grin and bear it. Yes, that was it. ]

So what exactly are the odds of this Pierre guy showing up in Mayfield?

Throw it away?! That's a waste of perfectly good dirt. It'd be way better to give it back to the environment instead.

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