doofenstrudel | 06 - When An Evil Boy Meets An Evil Girl

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06 - When An Evil Boy Meets An Evil Girl - Locked to Toni

[No one in Mayfield had warned him about this. Oh sure, there was that phone call, but it didn't really make any sense! It was probably just something misdirected, and it had fallen out of Doofenshmirtz's head immediately.

But one moment he was coming home from work and the next he was disoriented and sitting up in an unfamiliar bed while wearing a tux that was a little too tight at the waist.]

What in the heck is this?!

...is that salmon? I think that's salmon.

[It was after a long day of work. He was hungry for something that wasn't a pastry. Red sheets and suspicious bed shapes (and bed partners) were ignored so he could confirm just what smelled so good, over there.

He was already unbuttoning the tuxedo jacket.]

This is probably a trap. But oooh! Little green peas!

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[Toni groaned as she woke up. She had an early shift today and didn't want to get out of bed yet... at least until she realized the sheets had suddenly turned to satin overnight. And what was she wearing?]

...Huh? Where am I?

[Heinz had been breaking apart a still-warm roll when Toni woke up and spoke out. He stopped short, flinched somewhat, and slowly turned himself around.]

Toni? Oh. H-hello.

I have no idea where we are, but they were nice enough to feed us!

[Awkwardly, he holds up one half of the roll.]

[Doof is here.

And she's wearing a little black dress.

In a heart-shaped bed with satin sheets.

And there's dinner for two on the table.

Toni screams.]

GAAAH!!

[The scream scares the stuffing out of him, and both halves of the roll are tossed away, as he jumps and flails and panics.]

It wasn't me! Not me! Not at all!

[He clutches at his chest.]

You... don't like salmon and little green peas?

[He's either missing the point, or studiously ignoring it.]

[You scream, I scream, we all scream for terrible situations!]

Oh my god, how did we get here, what is going on, I don't even- salmon? What?

[Let's take this one step at a time.]

I don't know.

I don't know that one, either.

Ooh, I know this one! They left us dinner!

[He points to the table, grinning, trying to put a positive spin on things.]

[She looks at Doof. Then at dinner. Then at Doof again.]

Okay, just to double-check: You had nothing to do with all this.

Nothing.

[His eyes narrow.]

We agreed when I arrived that we weren't... you know... going to... things. Things like this.

So I had nothing to do with this!

[Toni lets out a sigh of relief. She still doesn't know WTF, but now things are a little less awful.]

From the looks of this place, I'd say someone else wants us to do those things. ~~Gross.~~ Uh, no offense.

Yes. This place is a little more "waking up in Vegas" than my first morning was.

[His feelings have been a touch wounded. With a sigh, he unclips the clip-on bow tie and tosses it over his shoulder.]

It is no surprise. I am hardly a good catch.

[He goes back to the table to fetch a fresh roll, and continues to mutter away while he tears it in half and butters it.]

And when I have met the perfect woman? My own De-loveinator comes crashing down from the sky and erases all of her feelings for me.

[He lets out a very pathetic sigh, then stuffs half of the roll into his mouth.]

[OH NO she hurt his feelings she didn't mean to! She finally climbs out of bed and sits down at the table.]

Hey, hey! Don't say that! You're not that bad a guy! Maybe it just... wasn't meant to be! And believe me, I know some seriously skeevy guys. [He's not a vampire, for starters. That's a plus!] With the kind of company I kept back home, it's kinda unavoidable.

[He's not really cheered by her efforts. Although the fact that she's trying means a little something, right? He sits too, chewing at that roll as Toni tries to apologize.]

Mphhhph.

[And the roll is chewed and swallowed! And a topic change was quite welcome.]

...what kind of company did you keep back home?

[WELL. SHE TRIED.]

The kind my parents wouldn't approve of. Some of them were pretty, uh, shady.

[Vague answer is vague. The best part about "shady" is that it applied to anyone from sketchy back alley doctors to undead who couldn't go out in the sun.]

[Now he's not exactly mopey... more like faintly irritated. He's tearing the other half of the roll into smaller pieces, while eying her skeptically.]

Shady. Yes, yes, fine. You know, you can be more obvious, if you want. I have been around town and have met crazy men with chainswords, and talking ponies, and ladies who are supposed to be computer AI, and men with lots and lots of teeth...

[He shakes his head, and pauses the monologue to chew on a bit of roll.]

...but you. You, I know nothing about. I know more about our "daughters" than I know about you! You should open up.

[She perks up.] Uh, that last one. Their teeth. They didn't have weird looking canines, did they?

[She shakes her head.] You know, I've been here for a long time and seen plenty of weird stuff, but I still feel like I'll get laughed at if I bring it up. For as many of us as there are back home, most people still thought it was a bunch of fairy tales. I mean, the theater I worked at was haunted, and nobody there believed it until I brought in a ghost hunter and it almost killed him!

[Toni realizes she's been picking at the peas with a fork nervously.] So, um. You ever seen a monster?

[Doof's eyes widen, and he leans in.] He had weird looking everythings. All the teeth were needle-sharp!

...

[Then he sits back and un-fixates.]

Back home? Yes, maybe I would have been skeptical about haunting. Here, I would give it a bit more credit. Investigate it. Did you ever solve your theater problem?

[Hmm, is she anxious? Nervous?] I have seen the Lake Nose Monster! And that was even before I came here! Does that count?

Really. [That doesn't narrow it down much.] I'll just keep an eye out, I guess. As for the theater, well, I woke up here before I could find out.

Lake Nose- you mean Loch Ness, right? Yeah, that counts! But I'm talking more than just cryptids. I mean the stuff that everyone just thinks are fairytales. Like vampires. And, uh, werewolves.

Really.

Pity that you didn't resolve that. Loose ends are annoying. All loose and hanging there and... taunting you.

[He's making an effort to be sympathetic. They're in a similar kind of boat. Her previous boat just seemed to be haunted.]

No, no, Lake Nose. Part of the Tri-State Area. Not Scotland. [He waves his hand dismissively.] ...I... cannot say I have encountered either of those? I am not sure that vampires and werewolves and mad science really mix. Monsters cobbled together from spare parts, yes, but that wasn't my primary field of study and it's gross, oh I cannot even begin to tell you how gross....

We've got mad doctors, too. And I honestly would not be surprised if they were big on stitching body parts together. Gross.

Well, I can tell you that where I'm from, vampires and werewolves most definitely exist. Speaking from personal experience, I guess you could say. Have you noticed how there's dog hair in the house when we don't have a dog?

Very gross.

Ah! Personal experience! You've hung around with them back at home, yes, of course, that's entirely reasonable.

[He is not catching on.]

...we don't have a dog?

[SO not catching on.]

I thought it was just outside whenever I was inside?

Yeah. I can't say I'm fond of vampires, they're very "holier-than-thou", you know? I've never met many werewolves, though. We're pretty rare.

[HOW ABOUT NOW.]

So there are more vampires than werewolves where you come from? I wonder why you'd be so r...

....

Waaaaaait just one minute!

[Hey! He's catching on!]

Why haven't you been shredding the furniture and howling at the moon and all of that other werewolf stuff?!

[Missing the point, but catching on.]

[WOW that took forever, but at least the ~~cat~~ hairy deathbeast is out of the bag now.]

Because most of the movies you see make a lot of stuff up. Trust me, if I was any sort of danger to you or the girls I would've told you a long time ago. As it is, my 'abilities' are a little limited right now, anyway!

[She sits back in her chair, suddenly feeling like a weight was lifted off her shoulders.] How does that rank on the scale of weird things you've seen here?

Aaaah... fiction is stranger than truth, then.

[Heinz doesn't seem fully satisfied, but he does sit back and relax.]

I would certainly hope you would tell us if you were to become dangerous. Are you likely to receive something in the mail that would be bad news?

[As for weird? He shrugs.]

There is a talking orange pony working at the bakery, now. I hired her. She makes excellent apple crisp. I am still not completely sure how. You are sort of average-weird, in comparison.

Not really, no. I'm pretty good at controlling the change, and besides, my talisman came back to me broken so I can't over exert myself anyway.

[She cocks an eyebrow.] Orange talking ponies? I think I had some of those toys when I was a kid.

So you are a werewolf with credentials? Experience? That seems like the right kind of werewolf to be roommates with.

[He nods.]

Yes, yes... I am pretty sure my daughter had a few of those when she was younger. The implications of such a thing are staggering.

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06 - When An Evil Boy Meets An Evil Girl - Locked to Toni

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