01 - Wakey Wakey

[doofenstrudel]

[Heinz Doofenshmirtz is hardly a morning person. He can be up in the morning, yes, but his brain takes a few more minutes to kick in and get to the same stage of alertness as the rest of him. It did not occur to him that he wasn't in his own bed. After swinging his legs over the side of the bed and sitting up, it didn't occur to him that those slippers that his feet felt weren't his. On autopilot, he slipped his feet into them, yawned, rubbed his eyes, felt about in his mouth for his grind-guard....]

...whrrphthpph? Ptui!

[No grind-guard. Had he forgotten to put it in last night? He rubbed his jaw, glanced to the side of the bed... then blinked. Wait. Wait. That wasn't his nightstand. And this wasn't his house. These weren't his pajamas, and that wasn't his bed, and that wasn't...

Was that a woman in the bed, over there? That was very much a strange woman in his not-bed! He sprang upwards with an awkward exclamation and stumbled away, now wide awake and fully engaged with the situation.]

...what was I doing last night?! ...I wasn't doing anything last night! I'd had a cup of hot chocolate after working on my Acne-inator, and then grabbed a book, definitely put in my grind-guard, went to bed, and... dwah!

[He had turned himself around and had started to pace. However, being unfamiliar with the room's layout, he stumbled clear into a low shelf, rattling the phone off its hook and bringing a framed photograph to his attention. Him and the lady in the bed. Standing together. Smiling pleasantly, dressed for their wedding.]

Oh boy. Oooh boy. This is strange. I don't remember this. I would think I would remember something like this... This doesn't look like Vegas and there aren't any Elvis impersonators involved, far as I can see. That's how these "wake up in a bed married to a strange woman" things work, right? Vegas? Umbrella drinks? Rhinestones?

[He tilts the picture this way and that, indeed determining a lack of Elvis-content, continuing to mutter to himself. With the phone off the hook, it's likely to be carrying his voice to the big giant Mayfield party line.]

Comments

[flashlightdeath.livejournal.com]

I've always wanted to try a drink with an umbrella in it. Apparently they make people act really funny, and sometimes lampshades are involved? I don't know what they have to do. Unless you're impersonating an umbrella.

Which is just weird, lampshades are nowhere near umbrella-shaped!

[doofenstrudel]

Whuh?

[Hearing muttering coming from the phone, he sets down the framed photo and picks up the receiver. He's quick enough to hear everything from 'lampshades' onwards.]

That depends on the lampshade! If you go down to the Furniture Warehouse, I'm sure they'd have one that's more or less umbrella sh...

[Wait. Wait, this doesn't make sense, focus.]

Who are you, and what are you doing on the phone?!

[flashlightdeath.livejournal.com]

Well with the shape of umbrellas it isn't much of a shade then, is it?

What?

You were on the phone first! I just wanted to say hello.

Hello!

[doofenstrudel]

...

[Speechless. Yup. Even though it all does make a strange sort of sense...]

Hello...

So... let me guess. Old phones. This thing has a rotary dial, for the love of pete. I am talking to this stupid town's party line, and you were listening in and...

GAAAAH!! This is CRAZY!!!

[luxuriality.livejournal.com]

You don't remember any of these things because they never happened.

[ God this guy is an incompetent loser ): ]

You've been kidnapped, you're in Mayfield.

[doofenstrudel]

[Another voice on the phone! He holds the receiver away from his head for a moment, looks around, then brings it back to the side of his head.]

Oh. Well. That's a relief, really.

[Saaaaarcasm.]

If it never happened, then this is some sort of... bizzare prank, yes? You're in on it, aren't you?! Who are you?! Where is this?! Mayfield? ...is there even a Mayfield anywhere in the Tri-State Area?

[From rage, to distracted perplexment, all in the space of several moments.]

[luxuriality.livejournal.com]

This isn't a prank, or at least from my end. I'd rather be at home. I'm not sure where this tri-state area you are talking about is, but, Mayfield is apparently in some country called America.

Oh, we're also in the 1950's. It's odd for anyone that arrives here.

[doofenstrudel]

The 1950's? So it's not just suburbia, it's 1950's suburbia.

[He made a disgusted sound.]

Just when you think it couldn't be worse. Ugh.

So, whoever-you-are, what's the way out? There's a way out, yes? Right? Drive down the road, get on the highway, maybe stop for lunch along the way...

Right?

[slightly desperate]

Yes?

[luxuriality.livejournal.com]

[ Oh god it's time to troll ]

Not a single way out. Some of us have been trapped here for years, decades even. This town is truly one of the most miserable things you'll ever experience. Good luck surviving if you think it's that easy

[doofenstrudel]

[The Doof is not to be dissuaded.]

Bah! This town has never seen the likes of Doctor Doofenshmirtz! It won't know what hit it, once I've set my EVIL PLANS in motion! You watch! I'll show you how easy it can be!

[imoutos]

U-um.. I'm pretty sure this isn't Las Vegas, sir.. and I'm not sure what an 'Acne-inator' is, but I don't think they brought it here along with you.

[doofenstrudel]

[His tone brightens]

Ah! My Acne-inator! It's a work of genius! Still in the prototype stage, and I'm still waiting for my chocolate shipment to come in, but once it's complete, I'll...!

[He catches himself, then, his volume lowering slightly.]

'They?' What's this, now? ....and just who're you?

[imoutos]

[ She sounds sort of interesting in the explanation, actually-- but when he starts asking questions she sounds a little more nervous. ]

M-me..? Um, my name is Nadeko.. Nadeko Sengoku, n-nice to meet you, sir.. And 'they' are the people who control this town, I think..!

[doofenstrudel]

[His volume drops a notch more, returning to a conversational level.]

Nadeko, eh? Well! I am Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz. If I'm following you, the... city council has whisked me away from my headquarters, stuck me in...

[There's the 'vwiiiip' of curtains being pulled, and a faintly surprised sound.]

...in suburbia, without any of my things?

[A pause.]

You're not in on this, are you? This is all some.... some elaborate prank, yes? Who put you up to this?!

[imoutos]

N-n-n-n-n-no way!

[ Yes, she already sounds rather intimidated. ]

I-I promise you I didn't do anything, sir-- I mean, doctor.. I'm stuck here just like you are..

[action]

[nosoul-nomind.livejournal.com]

[There's some yelling coming from the bedroom. Not good.

Quietly, Barton creeks the bedroom door open to see what's going on.]

Re: [action]

[doofenstrudel]

[Inside the bedroom there's a tall, lanky middle-aged man with an enormous nose and bad hair, ranting into the phone receiver.

Who hasn't paid her any mind, because really? He's quite preoccupied with party line antics.]

[nosoul-nomind.livejournal.com]

Listens for a moment.

Uh huh. Lovely. You are neither Tenma nor his drone, but it looks like you're the new not-dad.

She opens the door.]

Hey. Stop yelling.

[doofenstrudel]

[Hearing the voice behind him, he stops. He lowers the phone receiver, and places his hand over the mouthpiece.]

What?

[His eyebrows lift considerably. Who's this, now? There are OTHER people in this not-his-house?]

Who let you in here?

[Scruffy-looking girl. She was probably in on this thing, too!]

[nosoul-nomind.livejournal.com]

[Frown] That's the other way around. Someone let you in.

[a-crazygirl.livejournal.com]

[Hey! Guess who just woke up and is staring at you half-awake.]

Oh, great, here we go again.

[doofenstrudel]

[Oh great. Bed-lady is awake. He groans, drags a hand over his face, and slowly turns around.]

Oh, this is going to be awkward....

[He peers at her from between splayed fingers, then drops his hand when he registers what was said.]

...again? Wait, wait, wait, again? Just what do you mean by 'again'?

[a-crazygirl.livejournal.com]

It's a long story. The gist of it is, you've been kidnapped and placed in a fake family and we're supposed to pretend we're husband and wife. There are two girls who live here too, and they're supposed to be our- [airquotes] -'daughters'.

Believe me, I don't like the set-up either.

[doofenstrudel]

Oh.

[He blinks once. Hadn't been expecting a straight answer, no sir, not at all.

He gives a glance towards the scruffy girl in the doorway. Ahhh. not-daughter to go with the not-wife.]

When you say "pretend"...

[He makes finger-quotes]

...we're not going to have to do anything, uh... you know? Because I'm feeling a little fragile after that last breakup, I'll have you know, and I don't think I'm ready for something that serious...

[a-crazygirl.livejournal.com]

[Toni barely suppresses a scream.]

Oh.

Oh god, no. Uh, no offense. I mean, I'm sure you're a nice guy and all and... no, we don't have to do that. [thank god.]