02 - It's Okay, It's Evil Pie.

[doofenstrudel]

[Action 1 - Bakery, Morning]

[Finding out that his role within this throwback town was that of a baker hadn't gone over well, initially. A fit had been thrown. Fists had been shaken at the heavens. And he had seethed with rage on the entire way to work. Injustice! Injustice! The universe was constantly mocking him, and this was additional proof of it! Logic took the edge off of his temper, however, and he was only monologuing under his breath as he tied on his apron.]

If I'm going to Inator my way out of this nightmare, I'm going to need to understand it. Become a part of it.

[Tie, tie.]

...and I'm going to need funding.

Besides, how hard can it possibly be to make bread? They have machines that can do it, I know how to operate an oven, I've spent time slinging bratwurst so obviously food service isn't outside of my range of expertise... this should be EASY!

[He swept his arms outwards triumphantly! And struck a stack of metal bowls, sending them flying with a CLANG and a residual clatter-clatter-clatter.

He flinched, and nursed his hand.]

...and that is not a premonition of utter failure, no, no...

[Action 2 - Bakery, Mid-day]

[The scents wafting from the bakery today have only a hint of burntness to them. Fresh bread and sugar cookies are doing their best to overpower the remains of the morning's mistakes. Heinz is busy filling donut-like pastries with jam, looking very pleased with himself.


The display cases and racks are full of baked... somethingness, that's for sure. There are only a few items to be particularly concerned about. A few loaves have had corners or edges carefully cut away, to hide charred spots. There are several blueberry(?) pies out for sale, and a single lemon meringue with very lopsided meringue. A wide assortment of sugar cookies are available, too! Although those ones are shaped like skulls and these ones are decorated like frowny faces and the ones there still reveal burnt patches from beneath the heavy striped frosting....]

Comments

[redirections.livejournal.com]

[He's just kind of. Standing around awkwardly.]

You're one shitty baker, aren't you?

[doofenstrudel]

[An insult! He stopped his work, still holding a jam-filled pastry, and gave the side-eye to the insulter.]

And what makes you an expert on baking, Mr. Smarty Pants?

[redirections.livejournal.com]

Nothing. But the hag I used to live with could do better in a rice cooker.

[doofenstrudel]

...that's actually quite the impressive skill. She could go far with talent like that!

[Wait, wait, he was supposed to be upset with this jerk! One pastry was set down, another was picked up, and he looked away while continuing with the filling.]

If don't like what you see, get out and stop wasting both of our times!

[redirections.livejournal.com]

I think some of your designs are...interesting.

[Like the frowny faces!]

[doofenstrudel]

The skulls were a challenge! I actually used a bell shape and trimmed them slightly.

[Radiating pride!]

[redirections.livejournal.com]

Wow, you're even more mediocre than I thought.

2

[jaws5sonofjaws.livejournal.com]

[Mart walks into the bakery expecting something yummy to eat... instead finding the burnt horrors.]

Dude!

What is wrong with these baked goods!?

And where's the damn cheesecake?

Re: 2

[doofenstrudel]

Everyone's a critic...

[He sets down the piping bag and pastry, brushes his hands off on his apron, and waves dismissively.]

There's nothing wrong with them! You haven't even sampled anything yet! There! Look!

[Heinz gestures sourly at a sample dish at the front counter. It's filled with broken bits of what appear to be frown-cookie. Same color frosting. No burnt parts.

They taste like... cookie. Dry, overly brown on the bottom, otherwise unremarkable.]

Cheesecake? Ooh, I should make one of those next. Would probably sell better than the berliner would, to be honest....

[He's immediately distracted by the thought, wandering away from the counter.]

[jaws5sonofjaws.livejournal.com]

[Mart obliges and takes a sample bit of frown cookie and chows down... only to spit it out.]

Blech!

This is worse than the time I ate a chunk of coral!

[doofenstrudel]

What were you doing eating coral?

[...gee. Guy's teeth look kind of pointy.

Oh well!]

You want cheesecake? There can be cheesecake, if you don't mind waiting about two hours to assemble and bake it.

[He sighs.]

I need to hurry up and have this place automated...

[jaws5sonofjaws.livejournal.com]

[Mart is still spitting out the cookie bits.]

I was bored!

And man, I won't wait two freakin' hours for some cheesecake that's probably gonna be awful anyway.

What else do you got?

And what do you mean by automated?

[doofenstrudel]

Aah...

[Little by little, he is starting to get a feel for this one's personality. Maybe his blood sugar is low? Better hurry it up. Back to the prep area, where he grabbed a piece of pre-cut waxed paper and plucked a jam donut from the pile of already-filled ones.]

Here. Have a berliner!

[He's grinning. He's pleased with himself!

And it's actually good! If you like donuts filled with strawberry jam. Fresh and covered in powdered sugar and still just a bit warm.]

Automated! With conveyor belts and little grabby hands to do all the stirring and kneading and perfectly uniform cookies every time! AUTOMATION!

2

[vytis]

[Oh, Lithuania has a new coworker... Who doesn't seem to be all that good at baking. Lithuania is starting to wonder if he's the only one actually suited to his job.

Well, at least this one hasn't tried to stab him yet.]

I think you're getting better.

[doofenstrudel]

[Oh! A co-worker! Good times.]

Well it is my first day at this.

A few more batches of cookies and I'll have it down to a science!

[Yes, despite all the missteps, he's still projecting an aura of being pleased with himself.]

...who're you, again?

[vytis]

Lithuania. I'm not really sure how they decide what to assign each person.

[doofenstrudel]

I'm assuming some sort of method designed to cause the optimal amount of suffering and humiliation.

[Fills another berliner]

Or random number generation. This isn't optimal, but...

Lithuania! That's... interesting.

[vytis]

I think it might be random--this job isn't too bad for me.

[He smiles a bit while taking out some pastries he made--they are not burned or anything.] Yes, like the country. I am the nation, or a representation of it.

[doofenstrudel]

What did you do before you wound up here?

[Hmm, nice pastries there, flaky-looking... oh wait! The answer to his question!]

...a politician? What, you were the President of Lithuania?

( two )

[myougi.livejournal.com]

[ he's looking at those sugar cookies... ]

Do you even know how to bake properly? Geez...

[doofenstrudel]

Yes, I know how to bake properly.

[Wax paper in hand, Doofenshmirtz snatches one of the frown cookies from the case and offers it in his general direction.]

You're pre-judging them just because they're evil!

...come to think of it, you've got a good instinct for self preservation...

[myougi.livejournal.com]

Okay, that's a step in the right direction, I guess. The next step is, can you bake properly?

[ ... ] No, I'm pre-judging them because they look kinda... burned on one side. I bake a lot at home, y'see.

[doofenstrudel]

I've been following recipes, that's proper enough, right?

...hey!

[Turns the cookie over, looking at it critically]

This one is only SLIGHTLY over-brown on the very edge!

...

Don't buy the striped ones. I've been selling those ones to the drones.

[myougi.livejournal.com]

I dunno... I usually don't follow recipes when I bake.

[ he's just going to turn over one of those striped ones and side-eye it for a few moments. ] Um... what's wrong with 'em?

[doofenstrudel]

Well la-dee-dah, Mr. Baker Person! Baking is like chemistry! Exactness is required!

[He snatches up a striped cookie, and snaps it in half with a bit of effort. Burnt. Burnt all the way through.]

You see? I've been waiting for people to notice.